Change Of Plans
by LinsteadTime
Summary: What if you're meant to go seperate ways but at some point your paths cross again anyways? Is it destiny or bad luck? Jay halstead and Erin Lindsay went seperate ways 3 years ago thinking they'd never see each other again. But life has other plans.
1. chapter 1

_"Watch where you're walking, Jerk!" the woman screamed after him and it shook him to his bones._

Jay Halstead had a bad day. Basically he had 'bad days' for a long time now. Although, he wouldn't describe them as bad days since there are only a few bad days that really stick out as 'bad' to him. He wasn't one to simply call a day a 'bad day' just because he missed a flight or his boss was pissed at him.

For Jay Halstead, a bad day was a day that'd change his life, in a bad way. And if someone would ask him, he'd answer that he only had 3 bad days in his life. Although he'd never talk about those to someone. He does to himself. Everyday, actually.

He'd blame himself for not being able to change anything about what happened, have a drink and go to bed. Sometimes alone, sometimes with some random girl to distract himself. Which in fact never really worked.

The first one of those 3 days was the day he lost his mother. He never felt as helpless as he did on that day. Watching how the life got sucked out of the wonderful woman that raised him. The woman that loved him no matter what and the woman he desperately would've needed on the other two bad days he has had.

The second day was the day he had to watch a convoy filled with his best friends explode into a huge ash cloud. Him and his friend mouse being the only ones that survived that day. His friend Mouse that, even after witnessing something like that, went back there to fight a few years ago. It broke Jay's heart when Mouse told him he'd go back to that place, risk his life on a daily basis. Jay always had to laugh when he thought about the fact that he's actually doing the same thing. But he other than Mouse always had backup. A backup that he'd trust blindly with his life everyday. At least he had, until day three happened.

The third bad day in Jay Halsteads life was the day he had lost his partner, the love of his life and his best friend in the same night. Erin Lindsay.

The person he'd trusted more than anyone else in the world. The only person that was able to make him feel alive. The person that made him happy. The person he wanted to ask to marry him that exact night because he couldn't imagine a life without her. The person he wanted to grow old and have kids with in an old little cabin in Wisconsin. The person that would complain about bugs and mosquitoes and the smell just to make a point. And he'd be fine with it because he'd know that she'd secretly love all of it but she'd never admit it. His person. His perfect match.

Those are the three days that Jay Halstead would consider as 'bad days'. Him currently running after someone who snatched his wallet out of his hands? Not so much.

"Stop! Chicago PD!" Jay screams unable to catch up. He was in a good shape but his recent lifestyle is obviously not good for his health. He runs through a little crowd of tourists gently pushing people out of his way. He knows he has to run faster or he won't get his wallet back. He starts running faster after passing the crowd of tourists. A woman comes into his sight and before he can react he runs into her. "I'm so sorry!" He screams while starting to run again.

"Watch where you're walking, jerk!" She spits out, clearly pissed.

As he hears those words he instantly stops and is shook to his bones. His heart drops and he knows exactly who he just ran into. He has to turn around because he can't believe his own ears. On the other hand, he'd recognize her voice out of a million others anytime. He slowly turns around knowing he's not prepared to see her face.

He patently watches her fixing her clothes and picking up what she must've dropped when he'd run into her. She could feel his gaze and just spits, "Do I look like a museum to you?!" while finally looking up at him. She froze for a second as a million emotions run through her body.

"Erin?" He asks, his voice shaking.

She snaps back into reality and immediately has the same cold look from one minute ago on her face.

"Anything I can help you with?" She asks dull, her voice without any emotion. He knows that sound in her voice and his heart breaks once again, thinking about the last time he heard her talk like that.

 _"What do you want, Jay?" He is confused. He doesn't know who that person in front of him is. Her voice without any emotion. He just sees the shell of the woman he loves. The woman that used to have his back. The woman that he woke up with after long nights of pizza, beer and scrabble. The woman he was in love with. It hurt him to see her like that._

 _"I want to hear you say it."_

 _She hesitates, "Say what?"_

 _She knows what he wants to hear and isn't sure how much longer she'll be able to keep up her facade and not break down right there in front of him._

 _"That you're no longer my partner, that you're throwing it all away. Look me in the eye, tell me it's over." He says, his gaze steady on her. She prepares herself to look into his eyes and be crushed. She turns her head to look at him._

 _"Are you done talking?" Is all she can get out. His heart aching as he hears her voice like that, without the slightest bit of emotion._

 _"I don't know who you are, but tell Lindsay_ _she made me a better cop...if you ever see her again."_

Her reply confused him so he decides to continue talking.

"How long has it been since...?" He asks and she breathes out a simple laugh.

"Since you left me for your wife?" She asks as if it was a joke. He looks at her in disbelief. Did she really just say that into his face? Slightly starting to feel a little anger raising inside of him.

"Not the total truth but ok." He mumbles trying not to show her how much that comment hurt him.

"Jay, the only thing I'm counting are pills. Not the days since you left me, ok?" She states like it's never been different. Causing his heart to drop once again. Of course, he thought almost mad at himself for noticing it only now, she looks like a wreck. Ripped jeans, dark circles under her eyes, no make up, messy hair. Erin Lindsay was back to her old habits.

"Of course. I left you." He says quietly with a bit of sarcasm. Because there's nothing else he can think about.

"In fact you did." She spit out. Blaming him for everything that lead her to this point in her life. Feeling all the anger she made herself forget about coming to the surface.

"Speaking of the whole you being married/leaving part..." he suddenly notices her eyes being filled with emotions and before he has the chance to react, he sees her hand flying into his direction, slapping him hard "Asshole!"

She turns around and leaves him there, mouth wide open in shock because of the hurricane that just passed over him. The hurricane that is Erin Lindsay.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey y'all, I decided to start another story because I didn't really like the way I went forward with the other one. That doesn't mean I'll never continue it but I'll focus on this one for now. Let me know what you think! And again please don't hate me for mistakes it's not my first language. Thanks!**

He was just standing there. Mouth wide open while she stormed off. God knows where she was going. Erin Lindsay was good at running and even better at hiding. And that's probably the reason why he didn't even know that she was back in Chicago until now.

He needed a couple of seconds to collect himself. He had no idea what just happened. His first impulse was to run after her, and was about to do so when he realized that she was already gone. He didn't know where she went and he knew that he wouldn't find her if she didn't want him to. She was Erin Lindsay after all.

He takes a deep breath and accepts that he'd lost. Her and his wallet. The wallet he only went after because of one thing; a picture, the last picture they took together. And the last picture he had left of the two of them.

 _"Babe! Come on!", she yelled, "you know I'm the woman right? What the hell is taking you so long?!"_

 _He comes into her sight complaining, "you know that I don't want to go. I'd rather sit here with you, drink a beer and make out instead of going to this stupid 'let's all be friends' unit thing. We trust each other with our lives everyday and meet at Molly's after. Isn't that enough?"_

 _"I know baby, but don't you think it'll be fun? I know you'll enjoy yourself, You love these people. What is the problem?" She asks pulling her eyebrows together._

 _She shows him her necklace as a sign that she needed help putting it on and he starts walking over to help her, "The problem is that I have an immensely hot girlfriend who's going to sit there all dressed up with men looking at her and I can't even put my arm around her without getting a mean look from her dad.", he says with a raised eyebrow while putting her necklace on for her._

 _Erin didn't really know how to respond to that. Jay had a point. Even though they had permission, it still seemed like they had to hide their relationship in front of the unit. She looks at him through the mirror they were standing in front of pouting._

 _"You looking at me like that doesn't make it any easier babe." he lets out a sigh and pulls her hair out from under the necklace. He gently tucks it behind her ear so her neck is free when he leans down to kiss it._

 _"And I can't...", he mumbles against her neck kissing it again "do that either." Erin leans into him closing her eyes. He know it's her weak spot. She turns around to face him but when she goes to say speak he cuts her off with the sweetest kiss. The kiss intensifies more and more with each second that passes, his hands find their way under her shirt holding her by her waist. When he hears the slightest moan escape her mouth he can't help himself but lift her up causing her to moan again._

 _"Jay-" she says trying to catch her breath, "I-" he silences her with another kiss and lays her down on the bed. He crawls on top of her, continuing to kiss her neck. She needs to hold on to his shoulder to keep herself sane._

 _"Jay...I texted...Kim...oh my god" He's already worked his way down to her chest. It was so hard for her to do but she needed to stay focused. "She...should... be picking us...up any-", suddenly the doorbell rings and jay immediately stops moving, "...minute." Erin jumps up and can already feel how she's blushing. Kim will definitely know what was going on just from the look of them. They quickly fixed their hair and clothes and run to the door after a few minutes._

 _"Hey Kim!" Erin says smiling brightly._

 _"Hey!" she replies with a curious look. Jay just smiled at her and Kim immediately knows what was going on a few minutes ago. And she just can't help herself._

 _"Wow! You two are glowing! What is your secret?" she says smiling. Erin immediately turned red. She wasn't used to her co-workers viewing them as a couple._

 _"Scrabble. Keeps the mind healthy." Jay says smirking and immediately gets Erins elbow in his ribs._

 _"Well anyways you two look beautiful! I know I sound like a mom at prom night but let me take a picture, please!" They agreed and smiled at the camera._

 _"Ok you guys, that's boring." Erin rolls her eyes at Kim's comment, "give me something prom worthy. Look at each other!" They did as she asked and looked at each other, and the moment their eyes connected they fell in love with each other all over again._

 _"Perfect!"_

Kind of fitting, he thought, since apparently his Erin was gone too.

He starts walking without having a clue where to go. When he suddenly realized that he either was getting played by someone or that someone had no idea that she was back either. He immediately gets into his car to drive to his boss' house, Hank Voight.

The sun is starting to set when he arrives. He runs through the front yard to the door and knocks impatiently. After waiting for what felt like 30 minutes, but in reality was probably a few seconds, the older man opened the door for him. He looks confused and Jay immediately storms into his house, without a 'hello' or an invitation.

"Good evening to you too, Jay." He says sarcastically, clearly surprised.

"When did you plan on telling me?" Jay says nervously while pacing up and down the hallway.

Hank looks at him in confusion, "Telling you what?" He asks, voice low and raspy.

"Cut the crap Hank! You know exactly what I'm talking about! Did you think I didn't have the right to know?! You thought you could fix her on your own? It's always been this way! You two are the loyal family, betraying everyone else for one other!" he's still running back and forth through the house knowing that he'd probably end up breaking Hank's nose if he didn't keep moving.

"Jay, who the hell are you talking about? What is going on?" Hank said annoyed.

"Who do you think I'm talking about?! I'm not dumb Hank don't pretend like you didn't know!" He screams out, getting dangerously close to his Sergeant.

"You're playing with fire kid. Back up." Hank says calm but firmly "Sit down, relax, and tell me what the hell happened."

Jay stands still and looks at him, trying to catch his breath. Knowing that he has to calm himself down, reminding himself that the man infront of him is still his boss.

He gives in and accepts Hanks offer, following Hank into the living room and sitting next to him on the couch.

"Erin." he finally allows himself to say her name out loud, "You should have told me that she's back. I deserved to know."

Hank just looks at him, his face blank in shock, and in that moment Jay realised that he didn't know she was back either.

"You didn't know?"

"No." he simply replies.

Jay could sense how betrayed Hank felt in that moment, could hear the heartbreak in his voice. He's got to know him a lot better in the past few years and even if Jay hates to admit it, he considered Hank a friend by now.

"How do you know she's back?" Hank asks curious.

"Well I ran into her" he chuckles and continues "And I mean I literally ran into her, while chasing someone."

His face suddenly loses the smile it was wearing.

"She yelled after me and I immediately knew it was her." Jay's staring at the floor, reliving the moment in his head "I turned around and there she was. Picking up her stuff. She's a wreck Hank, she looked at me and it was like I was seeing a completely different version of the Erin I once knew."

He could hear the breath hitch in Hank's threat, his Sergeant already knowing how this would end. But he knew Hank needed to hear it, he wouldn't believe it otherwise.

Jay swallowed and continued talking, "She told me ... Uh-"

"Just say it Halstead. I'm a grown ass man." Hank interrupts him.

Jay knows that and it's not Hank he's worried about when he says the words out loud. It's more his own heart he wants to protect in this second.

"She told me she's... she's" he didn't think it would be this hard to actually say out loud. He could feel his heart beating faster as if it was screaming at him. As if it was begging him not to say it so he could pretend like it wasn't true.

He sighs and finally says "She's using again, Hank." and in that moment it felt like someone had ripped his heart out.

Hank lets out a sigh "I was wondering if something was wrong to be honest, but I didn't expect anything that bad. I haven't from her in a while so I knew something was up." he confesses.

Hank rubs his head like he always does when he's thinking about his next step. Jay had seen that action a rare few times over the years, and he knew that t only happened when Hank really didn't know what to do next.

Suddenly the older man looked up at him, speaking again "Okay Halstead, go home and get some rest. I will reach out to some contacts and see what I can find out." he orders.

"Hank I can't just g-"

"Stop." Hank interrupts him, "You're going to do what I am telling you to. We need to be smarter this time around. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. I know her; her demons, her darkest parts, all of it. This is not the Erin you know, the way she was after Nadia's death doesn't even come close to the Erin I've seen before." he exhales loudly "Just give me some time to find out how far gone she is, okay? I promise I'll keep you updated with everything."

Hank puts a hand on Jay's shoulder, trying to offer him a little comfort. Jay doesn't know if he can do what Hank is asking him to do but he knows he can trust Hank when it comes to Erin. And so, he just nods, gets up and walks to his car. He can feel that Hank is watching him through the window which means he has to think about where to drive now in the few seconds before reaching his car otherwise it'll be too obvious. So he just starts driving without a plan. Not knowing where else this crazy day might take him.

 **That's it for this chapter. I hope y'all liked it! Let me know with a review that'd be super helpful! I hope you enjoy reading this and want to continue. I have most of it already planned out but I'll see what I'll eventually use. Again if there are mistakes just pretend there weren't for me lol thank you! I appreciate every review! Also if you write a review could you let me know if you'd like it to stay one sided or should I write out of poth of their perspectives? Meaning the next chapter would be about Erin and what she's doing while Hank and Jay are trying to get more information.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey y'all! Thanks for your reviews! This next chapter in more out of Erin's perspective since you wanted to see her side too. Happy reading!**

Her legs are getting weaker with every step. Running isn't really her thing but it's worth it when it means that she can escape her past. At least for now.

She keeps running, her heart beating faster than ever. She wasn't prepared to see him, even now she still can't believe it happened. She passes a crowd of people and sees her opportunity to disappear.

She grew up in these streets and knows where to go if she doesn't want to be found. She finds a little alley to hide in. Suddenly she is sober. Completely sober. Her mind clear and full of adrenaline.

She looks around to figure out where to go next, It's not like she had a lot of options. Erin leans against the wall taking a couple of deep breaths. Trying to calm down when her stomach basically tells her to 'fuck herself' and she can't even make it to the dumpster before she throws up.

'Karma for running from everything in my life', she thinks.

She smiles, thinking that she deserves nothing less. She remembers the encounter she just had and can't believe how it went down. Erin slapped him, hard. The only person that she ever really loved.

'I need to get the fuck out of here, numb all of it.' she thinks.

With her legs shaking, she starts walking to get out of the alley passing a few dumpsters, wondering if the horrid smell is coming from there or from herself. She's a wreck and she knows it, but she also doesn't care about herself enough to actually give a shit. This life was meant for her and she always knew it.

The cold wind blows in her face as she steps out of the protected alley. And it is the first time this year that she notices how cold it is. Even though it is February already. When her nose feels like it's about to fall off, she starts walking faster in need of the warmth of her apartment. Though she's not sure if it is that much warmer in there.

X...

Erin arrives at home, a tiny apartment on the south side, around 50 minutes later. She can't afford a car anymore so her only choice was to walk. She's shaking without really knowing if it is from her being sober for once or because it is 35 below and she's only wearing a hoodie. Her feet are soaking wet as she keeps fighting her way through the snow in nothing more than her sneakers. When she looks up she sees that the light is switched on and she sighs knowingly. He's home.

When Erin opens the door, she tries to be as quiet as possible. It happens all the time that he falls asleep on the couch with all electronic devices still going.

'Asshole' she thinks, since he isn't the one paying the bills. But she needs him for business. And as much as she hates it, this is the price she has to pay for her own survival. Plus it's not bad to have company sometimes.

Walking on her tiptoes she tries to pass him. It works out in her favour and her next stops are his pockets and the fridge.

"Of course you only have pills.", she madly whispers to herself while she goes through all of his jeans pockets. It's better than nothing, she decides, and so she walks into the kitchen keeping an eye out for alcohol. Two minutes later, she finds what she needs in the form of a half-empty bottle of cheap whiskey.

A small cough escapes her mouth as she downs a couple pills with the whiskey now burning her throat.

Her body stops shaking and she can finally feel herself calming down. She sits down looking around the room as the pills slowly kick in. The tiniest sob escapes her lips, when she allows herself to think back to her time as a cop, to her time with Jay.

She didn't allow herself to think about it, until now. It was easier to just forget, to pretend it never happened and that those years that she got to spend with the love of her life were nothing more than the best dream she'd ever had.

She feels her heart ache as the memories hit her for the first time in years.

 _"Hey, what are you doing here?"_

 _He asked, obviously confused._

 _"I Uhm... I just wanted to check on you. See if you're alright." Is all she can bring herself to say._

 _"I'm good, Er. Will sent me to his best co workers the second I arrived at med. But seriously, thank you for coming back, it's good to know I still have backup." He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes and her heart breaks at the thought of how much of a disappointment she must be._

 _She reaches for his swollen eye, "you don't have to pretend with me Jay, this looks bad." he winces at her gentle touch. Her hand sliding over his face like a soft feather and only in that moment he notices that she's shaking. He grabs her wrist, "Erin..." his voice is only a whisper as she looks up at him._

 _"You need to get help. This isn't you and you know that." He pauses and looks down sadly at the thought of the person he once knew. "I know how much it hurts you that Nadia is gone but-"_

 _"Jay, you don't understand." She cuts him off._

 _"This is me. I've always been that person until Voight sent me to a school and I pretended to be someone else. And at some point I always got sucked back in." Her eyes are watery and the only comfort he can give her is his hand, cupping her cheek. Erin sniffs while slightly leaning into his hand. "I caused this. I tried to turn her into someone she wasn't and it cost her her life." Her voice is shaking._

 _"What difference does it make if I help someone when they end up dead because of me anyway?" She swallows as a tear rolls down her cheek and looks down._

 _He stares at her and finally understands what has been going on inside of her since Nadia died. She wasn't grieving, she was punishing herself. She was grieving too but her doing everything she did over the summer, was her way to proof herself what a disappointment she was._

 _He sighs sadly "Erin, none of this is your fault. You are a good person. I mean you just went into a house filled with criminals to save me. I'm alive right now because of you." He says softly, his hands unsure what to do to get her to look up at him._

 _Erin hates to cry infront of people, she thinks it's a sign of weakness, but this girl in front of him is definitely not weak. So he uses his hand to raise her chin gently._

 _"Hey, you saved my life Erin. I would be dead right now if it wasn't for you."_

 _Erin stares at him through glazed eyes, "I was ready to die, for or with you. I had nothing left to lose, Jay."_

 _"I know. And I know you think it's easier to just let go but I've known you for a while now. And let me tell you that the Erin Lindsay i know is not a quitter." A soft smile spreads on her face. "And you have me, always. And Hank." He adds. Jay reaches down to kiss her forehead and she can't remember the last time such a small gesture gave her so much comfort. And for the first time in her life, she didn't feel like the disappointment she always thought she was._

Another sob exists her throat and she finally realizes that she's crying. Causing her to chug the rest of the whiskey down. If she was feeling something tonight, then she'd do it the right way.

"Babe!" A loud voice interrupted her thoughts. And suddenly she's thrown back to reality. Ripped away from the world she once had.

"What do you want Mick?!" She shouts back. Just the sound of his voice annoys her.

"I was wondering if maybe at some point you'd move your ass to actually sell my stuff instead of just taking it yourself." He looks at her, eyebrows raised.

"Excuse me?!" She gets off her chair looking at him in a mixture of disbelief and anger. "You do know that I'm the one paying the bills here correct?! I'm the one going onto the street at night selling your shit! While you sit here in my apartment and eat my food! And now you want to pretend like my work is not enough?!" Her eyes are full of anger and he looks at her with his hands pulled up in defense.

"Phew Lindsay, I was joking. What the fuck is going on?"

She's surprised at how concerned he actually looks.

"Uh, nothing...I just had a rough day that's all."

He cups her face with his hands, it doesn't feel the same but she'll take any comfort she can get after today, and leans down to kiss her. Erin let's him use his tongue after he practically begged for entrance. His hands travel down to her butt, squeezing it roughly as his kisses grow sloppy.

'Not today', she thinks and stops him.

"Babe you know I'd love to," She smiles and it's probably the worst faked smile she's ever given someone. "But I have to get going. It's Friday, there'll be a lot of party people out there tonight."

A smile crosses his face at the thought of all the money they could make tonight.

"You're right. Wear something pretty, you know how much those loser assholes are into buying shit from a pretty lady." He shrugs. Erin knows that and that's exactly why she's doing it. She knew how to wrap guys around her finger. Mick gave her another kiss and went back into the living room. It was time for her to get ready.

X...

After another half hour she was ready to get going. Mick gave her the cocain she was supposed to sell.

"Okay," he sighs "as always be careful and check in with me every once in a while."

Erin didn't know if he ever meant it when he said stuff like that but at least someone pretends to care.

"Always." She smiles and makes her way to the door when she hears him speak up again.

"Oh and Erin." She turns around to look at him.

"Nate called me earlier. He told me that some guy was asking around about you. I don't know if some dude fell in love with you at the club or if we should be worried. Either way, try to keep a low profile out there."

Erin immediately freezes. After a while she just nods and leaves.

 **Okay that was it for this chapter. I'm sorry it took me a while but I'm still figuring out how this story will turn out. I hope you liked it and drop some reviews for me. So now you could see a little more out of Erin's POV. I'm excited for the story to pick up a little speed. :) thanks for reading and your reviews!**

 **Thank you so so much to a special someone for always helping me out since I'm still new to the Fanfic world lol**

 **Thanks M! Love you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey! I hope y'all are still into this story. Trying to upload earlier lol. Let me know if you still want me to continue! I honestly have no idea if it's good or not because I just started with all of this lol.**

 **Thanks!**

Jay didn't know what to do. He'd just left Hank's house and was now driving around Chicago. Hank was right, they had to be careful. He'd lost Erin once and he wouldn't like for that to happen again. He passes some teenagers, most likely drunk, on their way to a club when it hits him. The club. The one he tracked her down to when she was on her little self-punishment trip after Nadia's death. He's wondering why the thought has only occurred to him now.

Jay immediately stops the car and changes his direction. The club is his only option tonight. And right now he doesn't give a damn about what Hank said. He needs to find her.

X...

When he arrives, he feels like he just ran a marathon. Jays heart beats faster than it does after a shooting. There are a lot of people outside the club and it seems impossible to find her here. But she was still his Erin, he'd find her everywhere if he had to. He messed up his hair a little bit and got rid of his flannel.

On his way to the door he scans the whole area in front for the tiny brown haired woman he'd willingly give his life for. No sign of Erin, which gives him hope to find her inside.

The guy at the door asks Jay for his ID. Jay hands it to him with an annoyed look on his face. 'Okay big guy check the 33 year olds ID to show me who the boss is. How about checking the 15 year old girls IDs you let in every night instead?'

After getting his ID back he makes his way inside. There's a lot going on already even though it's early and Jay is not sure if they're all just early or if they're still partying. This club is known for party animals that never stop drinking and take drugs until they can't see straight. And deep inside he prays that Erin isn't one of them, that he won't find her here.

Jay's nervously watching everyone, looking for his girl. Although she is not his anymore and he realises that he doesn't even know what to say to her in the unlikely case that he finds her. He has no right to tell her what to do, they went their separate ways three years ago. Jays heart aches when he thinks that she could even be someone else's now. 'One of those losers that treats her badly I'm sure' he thinks and feels anger rising inside of him. He's determined to find her.

Jay decides that he has no other choice but to ask.

He is about to ask a young woman when he remembers that Erin is not a girls girl. She doesn't hang out with other women and talk about make up, boyfriends and whatever else women talk about. The only girl friends she ever had were Kim and Nadia.

 _"Erin you'll be fine." He says with a relaxing voice, massaging her shoulders slightly._

 _She sighs, "I don't even know what to talk about with her. Like what do I say? 'I like your hair?' That's so not me she'll know it's fake." She says while wiggling out of his grip._

 _"Maybe?" He shrugs._

 _"That helped a lot, thank you very much." She sarcastically replies._

 _Jay chuckles at the pout she's currently giving him._

 _"I'm sorry but I don't really know what to say. I just know that she looks up to you and wants to be friends with you. So I guess there's not much you can do wrong?"_

 _"How do you know that?", she stares at him "Why would you think, out of all people, she looks up to me?"_

 _She didn't know why he would assume something like that. She's the worst person to look up to, she figured._

 _He gives her a soft smile, impressed by her vulnerability._

 _"I don't just think so, Er. I know it." Erin looks at him in confusion, so he continues._

 _"Ruzek told me how much she admires you. She talks a lot about you and how you're the reason she wants to be in intelligence."_

 _"Really?" She looks at him in disbelief._

 _"Really." He smiles and leans down to kiss her. "You'll do great." He says smiling and gives her another quick kiss before getting ready for boys night._

 _She stands there for a few more seconds, smiling. She wouldn't have thought that a beautiful and intelligent girl like Kim would ever look up to someone as messed up as her._

Jay stops. He will have to ask someone else. A guy who looks like someone she'd usually hang out with.

He looks around a little longer when he notices a guy sitting at one of the tables. He looks like he's high. Maybe not from heroine or crack but definitely some weed. Jay spent so much time on the streets going after drug dealers and gangs, he knows when someone isn't sober. The young man is dressed in dark clothes that look a little too big for him. Jay walks over. His heart starts to beat faster, this guy could be his link to Erin. He didn't like the thought of it, the thought that Erin spends time with people like this. Time she used to spend with him, cuddled up on the couch with a hot tea after an exhausting winter day in Chicago, safe in Jay's arms. 'Who know in what kind of danger she is every night, he wonders.'

He reaches the table and speaks up "Hey dude."

The man looks up at him "can I help you with anything?" He says monotonously.

"Uh yeah, at least I hope so." Jay hates how nervous he sounds. "I'm looking for someone. She's about 5'4, green eyes and brown hair. I met her a couple weeks ago and-"

"What's her name?" The guy interrupts. "Do you know how many girls are in here every night? You gotta give me more than height and hair color." He added.

Jay didn't know if Erin would even use her real name in here but he decides to give it a try "Uh Erin. Her name is Erin."

"Erin! Why didn't you say that? Okay look man you seem nervous so if you're telling me you fell for her then please don't even bother trying, she has a dude, but if you are here to buy some shit from her then I can totally help you out." He states with a smile on his face.

Jay freezes. He doesn't know what hits him harder, Erin having a "dude" or the fact that she's dealing. It feels like someone just ripped the ground out from under him.

He tries to play it cool with a laugh "Dude what? I'm buying my shit from her okay? I'm not some hormonal 15-year-old falling in love with my dealer."

"I'm glad to hear that." He reaches out to shake Jay's hand. "Call me Nate. Just let me know what you need and I'll help you out." Nate smiles at him.

"Jon." He says and moves to shake Nate's hand.

Jay has no other choice than to buy something before leaving.

X...

When he gets out of the club, he immediately tosses the pills he just bought.

Still in shock from what Nate told him, he gets into his car. There's nothing else he can do than drive home.

X...

The first thing he does is head straight for his alcohol cabinet. He laughs at the fact that it's actually Erin's liquor since he never got rid of it. Much like the apartment he's standing in and still lives in because he couldn't get himself to give away the last pieces she left in the place they once called their home.

Jay reaches for the bottle of whiskey in the back of the cabinet. The row is empty once again, which means he drank four bottles in the past 6 days. 'Good going Halstead' he thinks, 'Just like your old man. Mom would be proud.'

When he's about to pour the last drops of the bottle into his glass he suddenly hears his phone ringing, he reaches over to get it and frowns when he sees the screen.

'Unknown caller'

 **Okay I hope you all liked this one it was a little short but it was kind of a filler anyways. Thank you for your reviews. I hope you'll review this chapter too so I know if I'm going in a good direction with this. Thank you thank you thank you for reading! Love yours! Let me know what you think!**

 **And of course special thanks to my babes M! You know who you are love.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! I had some time to write so why not update twice this week?! Lol. This chapter is more a flashback chapter. I hope you enjoy! X**

Erin makes her way out of the club. She is pissed. ' _What is he thinking? What right does he have?_ '. Nate had just informed her about a guy named Jon who came to look for her. Light brown hair, tall with green eyes. "Looked like a lost puppy with his freckles." Nate had said. _'Really Jay? Jon? That's so original.'_

She makes her way around the corner where it's more quiet. Hoping that he still has the same number, she takes out her phone.

She presses the buttons like she used to years ago, the number still memorised like a song you remember all the lyrics to without listening to it for years. She was actually surprised that she remembered it.

It took a while for him to pick up the phone.

He coughs before speaking up "This is Halstead."

Her heart is suddenly racing, her hands are shaking. Erin expected to be nervous at the sound of his voice; Her body suddenly reacting this way to his voice, she didn't expect.

She takes a steadying breath and starts speaking. "You mean Jon?" She says sarcastically. She tries to keep her voice without much emotion, but some anger seems through.

"What?" He asks. He tries to keep his emotions in check as much as he can, but it's harder than he thought, considering he's now drunk.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're planing on saving me or something like that romantic shit in the movies then save it. I needed you three years ago, not now." Her voice rises and she gets angrier with each word that leaves her mouth. "You think you can just show up, play the hero and then leave me again!? No thanks. I don't need you! And I don't need a pity party or some sort of redemption, so just stay away like you have the past 3 years." Her eyes are glazed with tears by now and she is glad that he can't see her because she knows her face would betray the angry emotions in her voice. _'Thank god'_.

"Erin that-"

"Oh please, don't start some sort of speech now. I don't want your help! And I don't need it!"

He's immediately thrown back in time at those words.

 _"So what do you want to talk about?" Erin asks as they arrive at his apartment._

 _He hands her a beer and they sit on his couch._

 _"I Uh...I'm" He starts, having trouble to find the right words._

 _"What?" She laughs but it doesn't reach her eyes. Her eyes are bloodshot and have dark circles underneath them. She looks tired, as if she hasn't slept in days, which is true. Her hair up in the same bun it's been in for weeks._

 _"I'm worried about you, Erin" He finally says. Erin pulls her eyebrows together in confusion, signalling him to continue._

 _"You're late to work, every day, or you don't mind showing up at all. You look sad and tired, constantly. You're hanging out with your mom again and you're drinking at Molly's until you can't even stand straight."_

 _Erin stares at him. She doesn't say a word._

 _"I had to bring you home 3 times last week. And I'm not even sure you remember." He says sadly._

 _"I know you lost your best friend and I know that you're still grieving, but it's been 3 months now, Er. You have to start living again." Jay looks at her with sad and understanding eyes. It hurts him to see her like this. Even if they're not dating at the moment, he still cares for her. She finally finds her voice again, even though it's just a whisper._

 _"So that's what all of you want me to do? Be sad for a week and just move on with my life?" She feels betrayed. He of all people should understand. Knowing how much it hurts losing a friend, given his military past._

 _"No Erin that is not what I'm saying-" He reaches forward to take her hand but she moves backwards, like a scared child. It immediately breaks his heart. She gets up from the couch looking around the room for an escape, her eyes sad and filled with tears._

 _"Erin don't leave, please. I'm just trying to help you." He pleads._

 _He takes one step towards to her again but she moves two steps back just as fast._

 _"Don't you get it? I don't need your help, Jay! And I don't want it! This?! This is who I am and always was! So please do me a favor and leave me alone!" She yells, tears streaming down her face as she storms out of his apartment._

 _"What?! Erin wait!" He tries to stop her, reaching out for her arm but she is too fast._

 _It's pouring rain outside and they're both running with nothing but socks on. Jay finally catches up and manages to grab her. Erin tries to get out of his grip, to push him away, punching against his chest while he holds her as tight as he can, making it impossible for her to run. She is full of anger and trying to push him away as hard as she can._

 _"Let go of me, Jay!" She cries out. But Jay keeps holding on to her, forcing her to stop fighting for once. His heart aches at the though that she doesn't wants to be here with him. "I won't let go of you, Erin. Not tonight." He says calmly._

 _They're both soaking wet when Erin finally stops fighting him. Her screams turned into loud sobs. She had used all the strength she had left after being awake for almost 3 days straight._

 _She cries into his chest as the rain keeps pouring down on them, Jay still holding her tight._

 _When her sobs turned into a weak and soft breathing, he picks her up and carries her upstairs into his apartment._

 _He hands her some of his PJs she used to wear when they were dating and makes his way into the kitchen to make 2 cups of tea. He doesn't know what to do or say but he knows for sure, that he is not leaving her side tonight._

 _When Jay gets back into his bedroom he finds her asleep in his bed, breathing heavily after the exhausting days she's had. He smiles sadly and makes his way over to lay down next to her. Erin immediately cuddles into him when he puts his arm around her. At least tonight, he knows she's safe._

He blinks away some tears at the memory.

"Erin, that wasn't me." He says, trying to sound calm and unbothered by her speech.

"What?" She hates herself for sounding so surprised.

"That wasn't me" he repeats.

"I don't know why that would be any of my business." He shrugs trying to sound convincing. "We went our separate ways three years ago and haven't heard from each other since. I don't know why you think I care so much about what you're doing."

Erin suddenly feels like a bus just ran her over. She never thought that anything could hurt her so bad, but it did. And by the sound of his voice, she was sure that he couldn't care less about her and her little 'fucked up' life. That was exactly what she wanted, so why did it hurt so much?

"Well … my bad I guess." She replies softly. "Goodbye Jay." She says, hanging up immediately.

A loud sob escapes her mouth as she drops down on the floor. Crying over the man she loved more than anything else, and still does. The man that once was hers.

 **I hope you liked this chapter and maybe leave a little review, I'd really appreciate it. I really love writing flashbacks into the chapters! Let me know if you like reading them too so I can keep them coming. This chapter was a lot of flashback but I thought it was an important scene. Let me know in the reviews, cuties!**

 **Thanks you!**

 **Thanks M, as always.**


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